i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
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