Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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