The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
