it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
