Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize