Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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