Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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