I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
im six kinds of drunk right now
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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