You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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