Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize