I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
