Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize