i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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