i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
