someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
