i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
