Did you just see the Batmobile???
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize