Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
