There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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