If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
