Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
did i just pee glitter
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
