So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
