she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Randomize
