if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
