The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
