I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
