the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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