I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
