You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize