Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
