i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
