i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
