This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
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