she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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