youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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