chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
