Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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