If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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