i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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