I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
it's great music for shaving your balls
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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