Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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