The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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