Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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