my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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