i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize