do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
