Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
