my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
