I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
