You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
