Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
