Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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