I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
