My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
