I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
