I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
