Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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