I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
