It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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