Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
