Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
