I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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