During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
