i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He called his prostate his "boner button".
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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