All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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