I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
